KATE NORMAN
I was a painfully shy child growing up with little self-esteem. I wanted people to like me, but I felt I had to earn affection and approval from people. I had a good childhood with my parents and two brothers, mum was very loving, and we were very close. Looking back, it’s difficult to understand my reasons for my lack of self-worth, but I recall constantly trying to gain my dad’s affection. There is no doubt my dad loved me, but he came from a generation that didn’t show affection. I recall one occasion when I tried to hold his hand and he pushed me away, not a big thing, but it must have affected me as the memory has never left me.
My parents were Catholic, and my mum took us to church every Sunday. I don’t remember much about the services but the one thing I did learn was that there was a big scary God looking over all I done and I believed I had to be near perfect if I wanted any chance of getting into heaven. As I got into my teenage years I found it more and more difficult to be this perfect person, and by the time I reached my twenties I knew I had no hope at all so decided to live my life how I wanted and worry about going to hell later.
When I was twenty-five my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I prayed and prayed that God spare her, but I didn’t really believe He would, and besides I was nowhere near good enough to get my prayers answered. Sadly, my lovely mum passed away after a long and painful eighteen months aged 56. I recall feeling it was so unfair and that God was cruel, that this was my punishment for my sinful life.
My life then became about drinking heavily and going out most nights trying to blot things out. It was at this time I met Liam (not real name) who is the father of my eldest child Mollie. Looking back, we weren’t right together but it was hard to get a proper perspective on things as we were both drunk a lot of the time. He was unfaithful and there were so many warning signs, but I was so desperate to be loved that when he asked me to marry him, I said yes.
I settled into the responsibilities of married life though Liam continued partying and couldn’t hold down a job. He became volatile and unpredictable, then came the emotional and physical abuse, once kicking me and snapping my wrist in two. He started taking money from our account to spend on drink and drugs. I remember my dad came to see me and asked me to come home, I was ready to but then I discovered I was pregnant.
I wanted to give it another chance for Mollies sake and at first, things improved somewhat but before long the old problems returned. Early one morning when I was a few days overdue with Mollie, I received the devastating call from my brother that my dad had died of a heart attack in the night. I was broken hearted but deep down I was expecting bad things to happen to me, after all, bad things happened to bad people.
Shortly after our marriage completely broken down and Liam moved away. I found this a very lonely and difficult time and I felt so sad for Mollie, who only had me now. I used to dream of meeting someone special and us all living as one happy little family.
It was a few months that I later met my now husband. Billy, he had all the qualities I admired in a man and we both knew very early on that there was something special between us. Bill later told me that he had prayed that he would meet someone who was right for him just before we met.
The first few years of meeting Bill became difficult as Liam was threatening to kill me, saying he had hired a hitman. He was also arrested after breaking into the house. Despite this Bill, Mollie and myself got through it all and we were very happy. We had our new child Megan together at this point and life was perfect.
After a few years Bill started expressing a desire to go to church, which really upset me, and I wondered what more could he possibly want? He had a lovely life and material blessings such as nice home, good job, nice car, holidays and a loving family. Bill kept saying that something was missing in his life, yet I felt I had everything I had ever wanted and didn’t need or want God. Despite this Bill started attending the Link Christian Fellowship.
I resented Bill going, and he would come home so happy which left me feeling twisted inside. I tried everything to stop him from going to church, I felt jealous of the new friends that he had made there. We began arguing, also started to suffer financial strains. Things now worsened, and within two years the relationship had now completely broken down.
Then followed twelve months of bitter arguments. We had separated by this point and we were living together as we couldn’t afford to live apart. Things got so bad that Police and social services were called in. The relationship was as bad as any could possibly get. We were now in debt and late on mortgage payments, and our lovely family was now torn apart. We were now in different relationships and we were both drinking very heavily, and Bill eventually moved elsewhere.
I remember feeling absolutely broken and in despair. I knew that no amount of pills would help. I was desperate and cried out to God saying that if he was real that I needed for Him to show me, saying if you love me please help me, and almost overnight things changed.
Very soon after, I literally bumped into the Pastor Mike Haynes outside the house. We had a chat and he explained that a person could change once they have surrendered to Jesus, that is if we allowed God to do the work. He also offered to pray for us. Shortly after I took the girls to see Bill. It was the first we had met in weeks, the last time we had met was in a bitter court case, but as we looked at each other something very odd happened. All the anger, bitterness and consuming hurt just fell away, and all the love we had for each other just gushed back. We literally fell back in love in an instant, it was a miracle and a true answer to prayer. We started a new beginning going to the Link Christian Fellowship on Sundays, despite me believing that I would never become a Christian as I would never be good enough. It was then I heard the Gospel message, but it just seemed too simple after all that I had been taught as a child.
Yet on 10th October 2010 I attended a friend’s baptism. God spoke powerfully to my heart and that night and I gave my heart to Jesus. I yearned for the peace and the assurance of heaven, and I now experienced such a joy I never experiences before, a deep love. I knew something had changed in me forever.
Looking back, I now know with certainty that God had his hand on my life all along and had used the circumstances as an opportunity for me to realise how much I needed him and for me to reach out to him.
Life has by no means been a walk in the park since that day, as a family we have been through some dark times such our youngest daughter experiencing mental health problems from the age of 11, resulting in depression, self-harm and suicide attempts, but God has been faithful, and gave us hope, strength and courage to go on when life seemed too much to bear.
I have been on a journey with God with God ever since, and I know it was the best decision I have ever made, I know I am far from perfect, but I have also come to know the amazing grace of God that even though I stumble, I get things wrong and I make mistakes, God never stops loving me and promises never to leave or forsake me. I no longer have to try to win peoples love, I know I am loved with a deep love from my heavenly father. I know that He guides me every day and has a plan and a purpose for my life. I no longer fear death or going to hell, I am redeemed, loved and healed.